||[May. 3rd, 2008|11:21 am]
|||||Shostakovich - Symphony No. 10, I. Moderato||]|
This year may have been the worst yet. Though that may not be so bad as it may have been the quickest passing. I guess I live in my head more and more, which isn't really okay by me. I sort-of hate everything around me. It's really hard to find motivation to do anything. The only I can find is a vague and dim hope for what I wish the future to be, yet what I simultaneously seriously doubt will ever happen.
Did you know I never applied to college? I didn't. That may be the biggest regret of my life. So far. I'm underestimating my capacity to fuck up.
No, I decided it would be best to go to some high school that I've always wanted to go to but never was allowed to apply to, to participate in their post-graduate year program. So I'll study there and apply to conservatories later.
When I decided this in August, I thought it'd be a great opportunity. It didn't take me long to regret the decision. I want to go to college! What am I thinking, going to another year of high school.
Except my biggest reservation isn't really my thinking it's the wrong decision. It's my fear of others' looking down on me for the decision. I know that ultimately it would be an invaluable time for me to prepare. I have it all planned out, even. I know which pieces I'm to prepare. I know which colleges I'm going to apply to. But I'm afraid of other people, who are going to good colleges, who are better than me, or who go where I'm going, will think that it's a stupid decision and worthless. I'm afraid they'll laugh. And they will.
So I'm stuck both regretting the decision and knowing it's best. And those who disagree cannot be proved wrong until they don't care anymore.